Honest comments on potential story.

[Cruithne]

This was originally a PbP Roleplay between me and another member, but fell through shortly after some drama happened between her and her now ex-boyfriend. I really quite liked the way that the start of this story went and I wanted to know what you guys think.

The plot that was planned for this: Two very unlikely girls band together to murder the guy that is double dating them. The story starts off rather banal, seeming like usual teen drama, but I wanted to take it to the next level and create something really twisted and dark. So the story will be about the two of them escaping the law, preventing suspicion and eventually one trying to outdo the other in a really nasty act of betrayal and desperation.

It's long, but I really would like some honest comments. Note that this isn't novel or formal structure. Comments on anything are welcome

(There is probably one or two incidences of mature language, so the warning is here)

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It's funny how life can seem so simple on the surface of many things. It is the bland exterior of everything you see as you fleetingly walk by on the street. It is the number of nameless faces you pass; the non familiar footpaths you'll cross, knowing you'll never see them again. However, underneath the superficial visage of the invisible, lies a web of truth. The stories all these unknowns hold do exist. The stories of millions, perhaps billions of truths; yet, there is only one truth: the falsity of humanity and its intrinsic need to protect itself.

I am one of the false. I hold before me the reason for my truth, the truth behind my meaning. Before all humanity, I am being judged; brought forth against the collective mass they call justice. How dare they look upon me and claim to know my truth! In this courtroom, before God, before truth; I will tell my story.

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In the Summer of '95, high school students of the current decade were making their mark, getting stronger, becoming the essence of individuals without realising it. They all want to be heard as well as seen; acknowledged without condescension. Being eighteen years old with supposed dreams of a bright future before me: I was expected to grow into something spectacular. Little did I know that the events to come would change my world, decimating any future I had envisioned for years to come.

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"Jennifer."

The dark haired girl did not respond to the voice physically. Remaining seated at her desk with reading material, she mutely carried on with her business.

"Jennifer!" The voice was more insistent this time.

Still, she continued to read, unmoving. The voice's existence appeared to grow more pressing. Sounds of chair legs sweeping and creaking across the linoleum floor approached her, later followed by the closing warmth of a presence to her front. There before her sat a male. She could understand that much by the broad expanse of his chest blocking the incoming sunlight from the window. It cast a somewhat arrogant shadow, disturbing her train of thought as it moved incessantly across her book pages. Grunting audibly, she looked up at him coldly.

"You have my attention. What do you want?"

Her response caused an expression of amusement to cross the good looking male's face, "You don't want to ask for my name?"

Jennifer leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms over her chest, clearly exasperated at this interruption. She let out a short, irritated breath before looking over his features fleetingly. What an annoyance, no one was unaware of this guy, he simply would not allow for it. It was like a festering disease that spread like an epidemic. He was not renowned for anything in particular other than his good looks and ever-growing string of hysterically heartbroken girls. Hardly impressed, Jennifer's posture persisted to be unmoved.

"I know who you are."

The male raised his eyebrows in surprise, "Oh? Please, enlighten me..."

"...and if I refuse?" She challenged.

Throwing back his head with a chuckle, he then leaned closer, manoeuvring his hand toward her face, "My, don't we play hard to get?"

With lightning reflexes, Jennifer brought the tip of her mechanical pencil against the soft flesh of his palm before it could make contact, "I was not aware that we were engaging in anything. Do I look like I'm in the mood to play games?"

His laughter then resounded noisily throughout the empty classroom as he withdrew his body away from her. Roused by her quick movement, he smiled widely at her. Ah, that smile: incredibly disarming. Falling victim to his signature attack, Jennifer reacted adversely, her cheeks coloured modestly as she looked away.

"Oh! A reaction!" He chided.

In frustration, she lashed out with her pencil aiming for his forehead, but stopped only inches from him when he did not flinch in the least. To add insult to injury, the handsome blond merely raised his eyebrows; his eyes dancing with jovial mirth.

"Down, kitty... I wont hurt you..."

Reaching out for her frozen arm by the wrist, he gently shifted it away from his face and back down to the desk. Clearly defeated, Jennifer's steely visage melted.

"So says the infamous heartbreaker."

His posture suddenly drooped at her languid reply and changing the grip on her hand so that he was cradling it between his own, Jennifer could feel the sting of discomfort spreading across her body and attempted to jerk her hand away. Expecting the reaction, he clasped tighter.

"Jennifer..." He breathed, his face approaching hers.

Feeling the heat of his breath against her forehead made her jump. Unable to get away, she could only spite a burning retort at him.

"What do you want!"

Having completely lost her composure and he, for knowing and observing her sharply, began to play her strings with the accuracy of a professional. His look became desperate and yearning.

"Jennifer... I'm in love with you." His voice was uncannily sincere.

Almost sickened by his words, Jennifer ripped her hand away from his successfully, "That's bullshit and we both know it, Vincent!"

Retrieving her book with a snap, she then awkwardly squeezed it into her satchel. Before she could remove herself from the situation, Vincent reached out for her imploringly, this time with a gentle sweep around her waist.

"Please... it's the truth..."

Literally shocked into embarrassment, she felt her body growing weak at the sensation of a foreign touch and she faltered.

"I want to go out with you." He murmured, brushing his cheek across her hair.

Shaking with fear and unexpected excitement, Jennifer cried out helplessly, "I-I-I'll consider it..."

At her words, he let her go and she promptly took the opportunity to race out of the classroom.

...Dammit...

Left alone, Vincent looked down at the strewn furniture she had hastily left behind. Repositioning them into the neat lines that created the uniform rows of order, he smiled to himself minutely. One strike into the game: that was certainly more than he bargained for. She wasn't such a tough one to crack after all. Truth would have it that he truly was eyeing her for the past year or so, but not for ventures of love... as he would have it.

[Zafur]

Mmm. This is interesting, and I'm not usually one for teen drama. I really like the plot, it looks like it could've been an extremely fun RP.

You have a nice style of writing. It was a bit too vague in some places, but nothing too bad. I like that sometimes. I also felt that your portrayal of your characters was believable. I often find in teen drama and angst filled stories, that the characters are extremely exaggerated.

In all, this is something I might read if you finish it. :3

[Cruithne]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read that, Zafur. I really appreciate it!

Personally, I'm not one for teen drama either But I got inspired to write something different and challenge myself to try something I haven't done before. If you would be willing, I'd like to get a bit more clarification on the vagueness.

(If it's about the first three paragraphs though, that's really intended.)

...In RP, people tend to get the wrong idea when first starting out and write only for themselves. In an environment which requires you to bond with others, it's a bad mentality to have. If you write for yourself, why are you writing with others? (Doesn't make sense, right?) So to me, it's important to write for others. You want people to read your stuff and care about it. Nothing grates on my nerves more than badly written characters (and let's face it, most RP is crap)

[Zafur]

It was nothing. It wasn't too long. :3

Well. It was more of me not understanding this.

"Before she could remove herself from the situation, Vincent reached out for her imploringly, this time with a gentle sweep around her waist."

Was wondering how this is possible with her in a desk. He's sitting in front of her, with a desk between them... Is it just me?;;

But I know what you mean. I love when characters are so well made and written you get emotional about them. Shows when an author has skill.

Bwaha. I'm bad at RPing myself though, even if I was told I'm good at it. Way too self conscience to show written work. Sometimes to even write it.

[Cruithne]

OMG...

You're totally right! How the hell did I miss that? GAH. I feel really dumb! Okay, okay... This is WHY you have to show people stuff. They pick up on the stuff you miss. (AAAAAAAAAHHH BAKA.)

...I have skill, but I don't have talent. That's one thing I've known for a long time. Before I even started RP, I was a shocking creative writer. It got me the lowest score in an assignment ever (2/10). ...I think it's important to never believe you've reached the top. I'm far from good, I'm even further from being considered a writer. I meet so many fun people, though, so the experience is worth more than the skill, honestly.

Thank you, so, so much, Zafur! I might get around to writing more of this in future.

[Zafur]

ROFL. Aww, don't. Happens to everyone. This is definitely why you need Beta readers.

It's true that you should always work to become better. I'm also an artist when it comes to drawing, and you can really never stop becoming better. It's pretty much the whole purpose of art, writing, and music.

D'aww. You're welcome. If you do, I wouldn't mind Beta'ing for you. :3