Old Story I Have - Living On The Country Side

[Greencat]

I was typing this one story in 7th Grade, but our computer crashed and I lost it all. Luckily, I had put it on my iPod Nano 1st Gen and transferred it to the school network and saved it on my private drive at school. I forgot about this and found it again this late winter-early spring (Sophomore). I hope you like it, although, it isn't complete and there's only a few chapters (6?). =/

Note: This story old. Please refrain from criticizing the grammar. This was created back when I was in 7th grade.

Living On The Country Side

Chapter 1

I sat down underneath a soft olive tree outside on the hill, a family of quiet birds perched at the top of the tree were weaving a nest of an assortment of branches and hey from a near by pasture where a chocolate brown horse and three long haired goats lived and owned by Gregory McPetters. Gregory was my father. Of course, I called him “Dad” like any other child would. Hello, I’m Amanda, and this is my family.

It was time for another day at school. As I walked down the squeaky stairs, I could smell my mom’s chocolate chip pancakes from anywhere. They had a yummy taste to them and an exquisite taste of creamy filling made of chocolate morsels. My mom worked at home doing any other housewife would do, clean for starters, and cook like she’s feeding a family of six. My dad was reading the “Daily Country News” and sipping his dark brown coffee when we heard Emily coming down the stairs. My mom said good morning dear, while Emily was still rubbing her eyes with one hand and the other holding her smooth, yet fluffy stuffed rabbit. My dad walks quietly out the old door to start working out in the field.

My dad had a large farm of feed and a few animals hear and there such as longed haired goats, noisy chickens, two adult cows, and a large brown horse that enjoyed eating apples and sugar cubes. Her name was Daffodil and she would always prance up and down when she would see the school bus drive up the side of the road. I quickly got dressed as it was already twenty past seven. School was twenty-five minutes away and pick up time for the bus was fifteen. School was always full of fun and excitement as my favorite teacher, Ms.Blume would always say, “Things not found beautiful, aren’t always bad”. I just only wished I knew what it meant.

I dressed in an casual outfit as spring was here. When Mom said the school bus to Glen Elementary School was here, I was already outside the front door waiting for Emily as she was running out the door with chocolate still on her soft pink face from mornings pancakes my mother had made. Me and Emily walked up the dusty steps of the school bus when I saw Daniel Norbock sitting in the semi-middle of the bus. He was the cutest boy in school, however, he preferred girls with out the tom-boy style like myself. I couldn’t help being a tom-boy where the next girl down the street was thirteen miles away! Emily sat in the back of the bus with her friends. When we arrived at Glen Elementary, we happily got off and skipped are way to the playground where it’s a kid’s dream come true.

[Cruithne]

Aw... but you posted it... I'm really not allowed to productively critique it?

Do you have anything more recent?

[Guested]

Please refrain from criticizing the grammar.

Double space after a period.

I just had to say it.

[Cruithne]

Actually... that's not standard in all countries, formats or tertiary faculty studies.

[Poryhack]

It's not standard anywhere, modern fonts adjust the spacing for you.

[pokemonfan]

Ugh, does it matter it just appears to look like a double space whether it is or is not does not need to be determined. Good story. However, paragraphing it would be best. I guess damio was right. One big long structure of text is hard for the reading.

[Greencat]

You can critique the story, Cruit.

It's all formatted, but when I paste the story here it eliminates it. For some reason. =/

Chapter 2

I saw my teacher Ms.Blume, who was apparently sad when I said hello and she replied with a quick wave with her hand. It’s not like her to be unhappy on a new fresh day of educated fun at school on Monday. I mean, she eventually got inpatient with us when it was Friday. However, It not usual she acts like this sort of way. Well I continued to class as it was already 7:45am and the final bell has rung. However, while I was running, I accidentally tripped over my laces and dropped all my books in the 3rd grade hallway when Daniel Norbok was also late to class. Probably because he was with the popular kids chatting away under the monkey bars. But when I saw Daniel, I thought he was going to laugh at me for dropping my text books all over the tile floor. Instead, he helped me pick up my heavy books and when he handed them to me, it was as if I should have said something, but I just stood there like a total idiot after he said “Here you go” with his soft yet deep voice as if he had a voice of a quire. He found me strange though to just stand there looking at him, but I didn’t care, at least he paid attention to me.

I quickly rushed into class when I saw a strict substitute teacher staring right at my desk. She wore a dark navy blue coat with her evil like black pants and her hair as if several dogs biting on an old wig laying around the floor. In a frightening way, her name was… Mrs.DalamaMcBroke. Although, she preferred Ms. Dalama but we thought of her as Ms. Danger. Unfortunaly a student sitting in the back of the classroom asked “Why is it Mrs. Instead of Ms.”. Ms. Dalama was furious when the small boy asked. She rampaged like a wild lion. She swiftly took out her pencil and wrote a letter that the little fearful boy was very disrespectful and deliberately denied he was talking back, although, it was not true one bit. She angrily gave him the citation and said he had to have a parents signature within the next 24 hours. I was astonished at what she had done to him! Another kid in the class who had his hand up quickly put it down. The whole class was sweating from fear.

[Cruithne]

Yeah, some word processing formats don't translate well to VBulletin. Not sure why that is.

Imma just going to look at your first post. You know what I really like about your stuff, Midori-kun? It's that it's really comfy and it's personal, but it's not intrusive or in your face. Even though you've written as a female, the character and the mood is natural, which is great!

I sat down underneath a soft olive tree outside on the hill, a family of quiet birds perched at the top of the tree were weaving a nest of an assortment of branches and hey from a near by pasture where a chocolate brown horse and three long haired goats lived and owned by Gregory McPetters.

I like this setting. The added feature of the birds brings that warming quality. Use of adjectives is good, very appropriate and effective.

assortment of branches and hey from a near by pasture

Don't think I'll say anything here, 'cause I think you know

It was time for another day at school. As I walked down the squeaky stairs, I could smell my mom’s chocolate chip pancakes from anywhere.

Zafur caught me on the same error. Your first paragraph sets Amanda sitting underneath a tree on a hill. The next you mention her going down stairs. There's no transition between her going from outside to inside. I also feel the use of words "from anywhere" is slightly awkward because some of the context might be missing. I'm not sure if you meant it like, "I can smell her pancakes anywhere!" or "The aroma of chocolate chip pancake is everywhere..."

They had a yummy taste to them and an exquisite taste of creamy filling made of chocolate morsels.

NUM NUM, they do sound yummy But would make this even better if you removed the "taste of," I say this only because you have Amanda describe the taste already. Taste has lots of quality and not just flavour as well! Texture is also important! So if you did remove it "exquisite creamy filling" sorta sounds like melt in your mouth... *drool*

My mom said good morning dear,

You put everything else appropriately in quotes, but missed this little one

Did I mention you write girls very well? You do, you know. You know that's often hard for some guys Having that sort of perception and ability is uncommon, so you are lucky! :3

[Greencat]

lol Thanks for the comments.

Chapter 3

Saved By The Bell

The bell rang for recess. We ran out thinking of ways to make her nice. While others preferred to get back at her. Of course there were more kids who didn’t know what to do as the wanted to do both. When we came back into the classroom, the group of kind kids who wanted to lend a hand at buttering her up, said hello Ms. Dalama, but she fiercely snapped her yard stick with a wooden apple at the end Ms.Blume use to use. We were really scared, she said something about someone took her chalk. We were so scared, even though I saw it under her cold metal desk, I was still afraid to tell her. She later found out when she picked up the little apple that fell off under the metal desk.

I lied and said I felt sick when the principle walked in. I rand to the nurses office and sat on the blue bed there with a thermometer in my mouth. I called my mother to pick me up at school. Before I left, I saw Ms.Blume with a pink slip, crying her way out the door. My mom came to pick me up before I could even ask Ms.Blume why she was crying. On the way home down the dirt road, my mom asked what happened, I said nothing but nod my head no with a frown on my face.

When we got home, my dad was worn out, he seemed he was getting to old to work, but mom didn’t worried. I asked mom if I could change schools and she asked why, I told her what happened in class and she said I was exaggerating. Emily just got home from kindergarten and was running to the goodies in dad’s junk food cabinet. She got out a bag of “Crispe’s” potato chips and a glass full of juice and walked to her room.

[Okami]

Is it possible to reformat these so they're not large blocks of texts, Green? Just because I can't focus on them to read past a line or two @___@;;;

I want to read it, I really do. It's already hard enough for me to read black text on white, however.... Dx

Easiest thing to do is just space again at every new paragraph. Chop it up a bit! :]

[Narwhal]

I like this story! My favorite part is the end. Good job!

[FLOOTENKERP]

LOL, Saved By The Bell. What a great title. Nice story.

[Greencat]

lol Thanks, but I didn't post the rest yet. Still 5 more chapters, just been lazy though. ;P